lucythedragon

I’m having a lot of doubts at the moment.

My life is just a bit confusing. This whole quarter I’ve been trying to both concentrate on my studies and support myself now that I’m out of the dorms. I need work. Not just the job that I have, but work. I look around me at my peers, and quite a lot of them are already working or are prepared to work. I am so unbelievably not ready to be in my field, yet I desperately need to be. My worst nightmare right now is that the pitch packet I’m putting together will be picked up, and that I’ll have to actually author and write for this thing.

I’m not a good illustrator. I’m just not. That’s why I’m going to school. I haven’t learned all that I need to in order to be publishable. Those are the facts. But I feel like I should be and that’s a problem. Most especially because at this point, I need a career. My shitty retail job seemed like a godsend when I got it, but it’s very clear right now that I’m not going to be able to pay the bills with it, and that I’ll certainly not be able to have any fun for a good long while. I’m really pissed and upset about it, to the point where I want to cry about it. Which actually, I have.

I wish I’d gotten into school earlier; I wish I hadn’t tried to be responsible and adult and try and live by the normal rules of getting a job and a place and whatever the hell is supposed to come after that. But the thing about deciding to live by your own rules when you’re further into your twenties is that it becomes more and more unacceptable to the people around you, and also much more of a burden. Who the hell am I that I think I can bum money off of my parents to get by? Why do they even put up with me? I just feel selfish. But I know if I just give up and go back to old habits my mental health will get worse and I’ll still be in the same situation eventually, but with no demonstrable skill developed.

I’m even more conflicted about the possibility of adopting an illustration minor, which will keep me in school for longer. The thing is though, I am not ready to leave. I won’t be ready to leave SCAD when my sequential stuff is all taken care of. Because I just won’t. I need to get as much out of this school as I possibly can, because when the real world comes and I need to get jobs in my field, I really need to be able to prove that I’m an artist worthy of publishing. But then there’s the delicate question of money.

I’ve needed cosigners for my loans for two years now. I can’t have my parents co-sign, because their credit is broken. My good will is stretch with family friends and family members. I don’t have any credit of my own (in fact, my own credit is a complete mystery to me because whenever I ask for a report, it doesn’t ever come in the mail). How am I going to pay for more years of schooling? I’m going to apply for scholarships, but with my portfolio and resume I seriously doubt I’ll get anything, certainly not enough to make a dent in my loans.

And I want academic performance that I can be proud of. I slipped during Winter quarter and my GPA wen down, so now I feel like I’m running uphill to make sure the school knows that I really want to be here. It’s difficult to do that when money woes have been keeping me from really buckling down where it’s needed. And it’s not terribly conducive to do your homework on the floor because you can’t afford a desk.

I want my life right now to be: “art art art!” and it’s just “money money money!” I don’t like that.

I want to live by my rules. /punk moment

Is anybody else on Good Reads? I've only got two friends at the mo', so I'm looking to see who else is on there.

I know self-pity is one of my very least attractive qualities, but it does unfortunately happen. And livejournal beckons for these sorts of entries.

I am not at my most self-confident right now. I have to rewrite my completely abysmal script by tomorrow and I can't come up with any ideas about how to do it. I am questioning my abilities as an artist, like ya do. I keep telling myself: "Today I will do this, and this, and this" but then I can't concentrate, or I sleep in, or forget. Which is the sort of thing the Lamictal is supposed to help me not do anymore, so I'm questioning whether or not it's working or if it's just another waste of an investment. My Nanoing is going nowhere and I hate having so many unfinished pieces of writing.

Also, I feel like I'm getting sick, and I'm considering anorexia for monetary reasons. That last one is becoming less and less of a joke as time goes by. My clothes are falling apart, Chicon is coming up, I don't have any furniture, and I can't buy videogames.

I hate all the kids with rich parents that are surrounding me. They all have the stuff I want.

Hey, look! Another unfinished fanfiction! This time it's a Supernatural AU that I couldn't completely make work, and then promptly forgot about.

( Because speccy!Dean was hot. )

ETA: This would be the picspam that inspired it.

I feel like a lazy ass.

I have been slacking on my homework, not doing any of the independent projects I wanted, and I keep forgetting about club meetings. NaNoWriMo started two days ago and I've written nothing, not even fanfiction. I should also be looking for a holiday job.

I just feel very... lethargic. It might have to do with my sleeping patterns getting all wonky again. And I can't even blame the internet, because I've been good and not let it distract me (I don't even have it in my apartment).

But while I'm here, check the hell outta my new White Collar icon that I love so much, unf.




I'm getting pretty excited for Steampunk Saturday at Chicon. *party dance* I found a Nerf gun that I want to punk out, and I'm looking in thrift stores for a pair of men's trousers that I can turn into Jodhpurs. I'm also gonna be trawling the costume stores to see what they've got on sale after Halloween. There's also a coat at work I badly want. Brown pleather and brass buttons, yay! It looks somewhat like this, but in jacket form, obvs.

Moar unfinished fic. This time: Dean/Cas! Woooooooo! I have no idea what this snippet was supposed to be attached to. It's just sitting there in its own little Word file.

( Cocktease, ahoy! )

Just as a reminder, the Costume Party Fanart Contest deadline is tomorrow. Unless we get 10 entries at least, I'm canceling it, so if you were planning to submit something make sure you get it in by then.

In my series of posting unfinished fanfic, here's another MASH one. The previous one is here.

( Moar lame, unfinished stuff. )

I'm totally a day late because I'm a bad friend, but I WISH TRELALI LOTS OF TEA AND CAKES FOR HER BIRTHDAY, THE END.

It's a really good thing I like the characters in Merlin. Like, a lot. 'Cos otherwise I wouldn't be able to abide this show.

( Spoilers for Series 2 episodes 1-3 )

So I was double-checking my old Dell and backing up the rest of the files I wanted to keep before selling it and I came across a few old fanfictions. I'm going to post a couple of the unfinished texts, 'cos they are short and I want them to see the light of day to some degree, since I won't be picking them back up again.

This is the beginning of a MASH fic back when I was writing for the fandom (for the record, only one of those stories are finished and posted, sadsad).

( It was a good day ... )

I'm sorry I haven't been online a lot over the past two months. Which is weird because I don't know why I would feel like I'm letting people down, I just do. I guess it's because I spent so much time over the summer really bonding with my peeps, but now I get an hour or so window for internettery a day, which I usually have to sacrifice to get homework done. I don't know what's going on in all ya'lls lives, which makes me feel bad.

But it's not a total loss, because my homework is awesome. I'm writing a comic script about a superhero in the 1930s who's modeled after Frankenstein's monster and I get credit for it I love this school.

I also spent pretty much the entire weekend going to perspective lectures; one classical, one for comic backgrounds. So pretty much brain hurty to think but it'll be second nature fairly soon so that's alright.
I turn in a design for a t-shirt contest tomorrow, and even though it sucks I might get ... something? A gift card? Maybe?

Oh, and also I start work tonight. It's at a store called Forever 21, and I really like their clothes. Right now they have a bunch of military/naval style clothing and I'm like WANT, so it's going to be very hard to hold onto my paychecks.

So um, I guess that's as much as I can fit into this post. I have to go draw nekkid people now. PEACE!

Happy birthday, jemshed!

I was walking downtown, towards the library, and guess who I saw?

Mac.

As in, PC vs. MAC, Mac.

Not somebody who looks like him. The actual guy. He was all sweaty 'cos he'd just jogged and stuff. And I can verify it's trufax because there's a movie filming in Savannah.

Awesome.

So there's this guy in my comic book scriptwriting class. Basically: he's cheating. He's a cheating cheater who cheats and he is well and truly pissing me off. We've only had two assignments so far: a two-page anything story, and a zombie script. The first one? A Batman story. The second? Set in the Warhammer Universe. While the rest of us have had to invent our own characters and universes, he's been writing fanfiction and getting credit for it.. Don't get me wrong, his first story was pretty great, and I would buy that damn Batman comic. I've been told by people that actually understand the Warhammer universe that it was a good story. But if he doesn't come up with his own universe next time, I'm calling him out during in-class critique. Fuck him right in the eye, I don't care about being courteous.

Seriously ya'll, I need more participants for the kink meme. Especially writers.

I think the problem is that people aren't using the pimping code when they drop prompts. Which: how are people supposed to fill your prompts when they don't know you've written them? I think me and one other person have actually adopted one. FFFFFF - how do people get their memes to be more active? I seriously - I don't like watching my baby die before it's even gotten on its feet.

*headdesk*

If this still hasn't budged by next week, I'm not doing the rest of Costume Kink Month.

And now I'm worried about the fanart content. *cries*