I’m having a lot of doubts at the moment.
My life is just a bit confusing. This whole quarter I’ve been trying to both concentrate on my studies and support myself now that I’m out of the dorms. I need work. Not just the job that I have, but work. I look around me at my peers, and quite a lot of them are already working or are prepared to work. I am so unbelievably not ready to be in my field, yet I desperately need to be. My worst nightmare right now is that the pitch packet I’m putting together will be picked up, and that I’ll have to actually author and write for this thing.
I’m not a good illustrator. I’m just not. That’s why I’m going to school. I haven’t learned all that I need to in order to be publishable. Those are the facts. But I feel like I should be and that’s a problem. Most especially because at this point, I need a career. My shitty retail job seemed like a godsend when I got it, but it’s very clear right now that I’m not going to be able to pay the bills with it, and that I’ll certainly not be able to have any fun for a good long while. I’m really pissed and upset about it, to the point where I want to cry about it. Which actually, I have.
I wish I’d gotten into school earlier; I wish I hadn’t tried to be responsible and adult and try and live by the normal rules of getting a job and a place and whatever the hell is supposed to come after that. But the thing about deciding to live by your own rules when you’re further into your twenties is that it becomes more and more unacceptable to the people around you, and also much more of a burden. Who the hell am I that I think I can bum money off of my parents to get by? Why do they even put up with me? I just feel selfish. But I know if I just give up and go back to old habits my mental health will get worse and I’ll still be in the same situation eventually, but with no demonstrable skill developed.
I’m even more conflicted about the possibility of adopting an illustration minor, which will keep me in school for longer. The thing is though, I am not ready to leave. I won’t be ready to leave SCAD when my sequential stuff is all taken care of. Because I just won’t. I need to get as much out of this school as I possibly can, because when the real world comes and I need to get jobs in my field, I really need to be able to prove that I’m an artist worthy of publishing. But then there’s the delicate question of money.
I’ve needed cosigners for my loans for two years now. I can’t have my parents co-sign, because their credit is broken. My good will is stretch with family friends and family members. I don’t have any credit of my own (in fact, my own credit is a complete mystery to me because whenever I ask for a report, it doesn’t ever come in the mail). How am I going to pay for more years of schooling? I’m going to apply for scholarships, but with my portfolio and resume I seriously doubt I’ll get anything, certainly not enough to make a dent in my loans.
And I want academic performance that I can be proud of. I slipped during Winter quarter and my GPA wen down, so now I feel like I’m running uphill to make sure the school knows that I really want to be here. It’s difficult to do that when money woes have been keeping me from really buckling down where it’s needed. And it’s not terribly conducive to do your homework on the floor because you can’t afford a desk.
I want my life right now to be: “art art art!” and it’s just “money money money!” I don’t like that.
I want to live by my rules. /punk moment

